They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
