a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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