my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
