dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
