i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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