we're chasing vodka with high fives
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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