wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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