I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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