I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
