I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
