I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
