I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
