this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
