I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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