Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
