For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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