Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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