Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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