I just pynch a tree in the face
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
