I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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