oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
