a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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