i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
