My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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