im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
