wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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