Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
