It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
