Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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