Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
