We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
