Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
