i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
