i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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