I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
