Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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