Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
