I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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