I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dicks are not precious.
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