in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
