His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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