No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
