a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
