When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
