An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
