Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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