how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
