Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
