Just fell off a train. Bad.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
