I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
