theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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