I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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