whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
