mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
