I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
