I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
