They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
