my phone needs a breathalizer
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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