My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
